24 October 2007

The Time to Act, Lt. Governor Fedele


Dear Lt. Governor Fedele,

With Governor M. Jodi Rell out of town visiting family for the next few days, I request that you use your powers as Acting Governor to right injustice and promote freedom throughout our state.

The sinister state of Rhode Island has long been a nuisance for Connecticut. Founded by Roger Williams in 1636 as a so-called "colony for religious freedom", it seems clear that Rhode Islanders have been watching us Nutmeggers for years, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. We must act now to forever free us from this threat.

They possess incredible wealth and beauty in the state, with gorgeous shoreline cliffs, fantastic beaches, Newport, Providence, and so much more. Connecticut could benefit immensely from use of these resources.

We have the perfect opportunity tonight with Game 1 of the World Series on television. At 8pm tonight, most Rhode Islanders will be tuned to their televisions to watch the Boston Red Sox take on the Colorado Rockies. We can launch the invasion with a division of Yankees fans and quickly take the strategic heights of Westerly, Rhode Island Connecticut.

After the game, we launch the rest of the attack with a northern thrust out of Putnam that should reach the suburbs of Providence by dawn, and a central thrust along Rt. 6 that should roll into Cranston by 0800 Thursday. A Connecticut flag will proudly wave over Providence by noon.

During the night on Thursday, we'll load an amphibious assault force in Groton and send them east toward the unsuspecting Rhode Islanders. As our ground troops push the Rhode Islanders backward, the dastardly Ocean Staters will surely retreat across the Claiborne Pell Bridge to Newport. We will wipe out their remaining forces with a combined airborne and amphibious assault on the city of Newport on Friday morning. Friday evening we will proudly rename that town Fedele.

So there you have it, Acting Governor Fedele. You have a tremendous opportunity to forever make your mark on Connecticut and become the most storied Acting Governor in the history of our State.

The above piece is, of course, satirical and should be considered only as such.

8 comments:

Judy Aron said...

It's not that different from CT anyway - they might as well be part of CT:
Rhode Island has some of the highest taxes in the country, particularly in its property taxes, ranking seventh in local and state taxes and sixth in real estate taxes in the country, the end result of a decade's trend of increasing taxes relative to other states. (from wiki)

Heath - Exec Dir said...

"Connecticut will have the highest tax burden in the nation, even if we have to conquer our way to the top of the list."

Anonymous said...

Someone has way too much time on his hands....

Headless Horseman said...

I think we can handle a war with Rhode Island. Even if we haven't finished our war with Long Island, we can fight on two fronts.

The brave souls of Cub Scout Pack 17 are ready for deployment.

Heath - Exec Dir said...

Actually this didn't take long at all. Great ideas happen quickly.

...and Cub Scout Pack 17? We want to conquer, not pillage.

Headless Horseman said...

Pack 17 are just the beasts to get the job done. They all earned their Bobcat badges in the fires of Hell.

Send them in and glory will be ours, and these boys will return with chests full of silver and gold arrows.

J Aron said...

pack 17?
Oh geez... you need the Governor's Horse Guard!
Throw in some fife and drum corps for fun too!
Wars need pageantry and noise.
Can we draft some illegals while we are at it (you know as mercenaries)?

Stephen said...

As 13th generation descendant of Roger Williams, I offer to take up the southern command of this offensive. We will plan to marshal the troops at the local brew pub and plot our course of action.